Lesson of the day: Avoid Eye Contact at ALL Costs.

Funny story.

I was doing a presentation in AP Government a few days ago about Interest Groups and Issue Advocacy Ads. Theres this guy in the class who is not only intelligent but gorgeous and super sweet. Of course I, like every other girl in the class, have developed a bit of a massive crush on him. Anyway, I was going my presentation and scanning the audience, and he was staring at me when I look at him, and out eyes locked and I completely froze up. I actually stopped mid-sentence and started stumbling over words and mispronouncing everything. Naturally, I turned tomato-red and I haven't been able to look at him since. 

Ugh. So embarrassed. 

I wish that they would teach a course in high school about how to flirt and talk to people, because Lord knows I could sure use it. I don't know what happens to me, but everytime I start talking to someone I'm even mildly fond of, all my intelligence flies away and I'm left blubbering like a bloody 5th grade boy talking to a girl with boobs for the first time. It's ridiculous. 

I'll walk up to him during lunch to talk to him, and about 5 feet away I start to freak out and I turn and literally run the opposite direction. I think maybe if my parents had late me date before I was 16, I might have an easier time with all this silliness, but alas. 

I am the nerdy, outspoken theatre geek who can't seem to muster up enough courage to say hello to an extremely sweet and funny guy. 

Exciting things happening:

• Thanksgiving break is next week!

• I actually did my physics homework.

• I'm taking online Financial Lit, and it may be the single easiest class I've taken.

• Apparently I'm just like Elizabeth Bennet. Everyone says so, but seeing as I haven't finished the book, I'm not sure yet. We shall see. 

The Renaissance (wo)Man

Today I was told that I totally have the potencial to write a book. Like,  an actual, real book. That people would pay me for. Woah. I do really want that to happen, so I'm determined to work on writing more often than I do. Hopefully this'll work out. 

I have this nasty habit of not finishing anything I start, so the very concept of writing an entire book is daunting to say the least. I think, perhaps, if I can just get into the habit of writing daily, I may be able to become successful. Maybe. 

When I was a kid, I always dreamed of being an author, but as I grew older I became more cynical. The odds of becoming a successful, published author are next to zero. But as I've gotten older, I've also become considerably more apt at writing. Maybe this could actually happen?

Sometimes I think that I have too many interests, and I struggle terribly with the idea of settling on just one thing.

 I'm a senior in high school, and all these colleges have been pestering me with endless junk mail and infinite emails, all begging me to 1. Apply for their college and 2. Settle on a major. This scares meto death. I mean, currently I am highly interested in: sexology, politics, government, lobbying, writing, teaching, acting, singing, and designing. Most people just tell me to pick the one thing I love most, but the dillema comes in where I love them all almost equally. They obviously have polar differences, but the trouble is that I love the variety between all the subjects. 

Take for example, design and politics. Today in AP Goverment I was giving a presentation all about lobbying, and I had come to issue advocacy ads. I had slipped some examples of issue advocacy ads into my prezi, and once I was up in front of everyone, I started explaining why the adverts were brilliant, and which design element left an impact on the audience. The two subjects have practically nothing to do with each other, but I love them both, and it's facinating to see them colide all around me. 

That's the coolest thing about learning: seeing all the subjects crash into one another and observing the relationships between everything. 

Leonardo DaVinci, for instance, is the prime example of a well rounded student. This man was an artist, an inventor, a scientist, and a whole myriad of other things we probably don't even know about. 

I want to be a Renaissance (wo)man. And it's rough to have all these organizations demanding me to settle on the one thing I want to do for the next 60+ years of my life. This may not be an issue for other people, but I don't think I'll ever be able to settle on one thing.

So, that's where I am today. 

Exciting things happening:

• I got cast as Belle in Beauty and the Beast

• Won Sterling Scholar in English (at the school level)

• Working on a monologue from "Night Mother" for Theatre

• Working on my senior thesis on Feminism and Femininity

• Attempting to catch a ridiculously gorgeous and disgustingly intelligent guy in my government class. ( wish me luck)

• Hit 122 followers on tumblr. Whoo!! (I know it's not a lot, but hey. For a girl sitting at 86 for 9 months, it's pretty great).

• Graduating in exactly 28 weeks

• Got accepted to SUU

• Got a business plan all ready for a school business event.

• My brother, David, is coming home for Thanksgiving. I haven't seen him in over 6 months, so I'm thrilled. He should be here the 26th. 

Lack of Sleep & Want of Commas

I haven't been sleeping too well. I'll lie in bed for hours, trying to calm down enough to fall asleep, but I can't. I worry constantly about everything. About school, and work, and just taking the next breath. I lie there, and I get thinking about the future and I cannot escape the idea that I won't go far. The people who are supposed to never seem to get there. They never seem to get to where they're going. And what's ad is, they have an advantage over me. They know where they want to go, and I'm perpetually unsure. I change my mind frequently, and that scares me. I like to think I am brave, and strong, and capable, but the fact remains that I'm somewhat of a wilting flower. I'm no Katharina or Hera or Portia. I'm just me, and am somewhat comprable to Desdemona. Just fine, but not quite good enough to be taken seriously.
I'll be thinking about all these things, and trying to figure out what I'm doing and this cold panic will set in. My breathing gets ragged and forced, and it feels like my lungs are filling with ice water. My body shakes, and my mind runs amuck. It scares me, these panic attacks. They happen to frequently, and they're difficult for me to handle alone. But I have to. I don't really have anyone. I feel entirely alone most of the time, even when I'm surrounded by people who supposedly love me.
I'm tired, and sad, and I just want to sleep. I just want to escape for a while, and take a break from thinking. I want to lie down, and allow my mind to go entirely blank. I'm not quite sure how to do that. I used to meditate, and it kind of helped. But I had trouble taking myself seriously when I did it. It felt... fake, somehow. Maybe I'll pick it up again, I don't know.
I often think that falling into a coma wouldn't be so bad. No one depends on me or needs me or anything, so it's not like my mental absence would hurt anyone. I feel like it would give me an opportunity to stop. To figure it all out. Then I'd wake up, and I'd know what to do with my life. In my sleep I would find some sort of purpose to direct me, and I'd wake up and follow whatever divine path I'm inspired by.
Or I could just die, I think that could be ok, too. I'd want to go braindead, though. So they could donate my organs. It would be nice to be able to do something worthwhile in my pathetic little life, and how ironic would it be that the only worthwhile thing I did was while I was dead.