I haven't been sleeping too well. I'll lie in bed for hours, trying to calm down enough to fall asleep, but I can't. I worry constantly about everything. About school, and work, and just taking the next breath. I lie there, and I get thinking about the future and I cannot escape the idea that I won't go far. The people who are supposed to never seem to get there. They never seem to get to where they're going. And what's ad is, they have an advantage over me. They know where they want to go, and I'm perpetually unsure. I change my mind frequently, and that scares me. I like to think I am brave, and strong, and capable, but the fact remains that I'm somewhat of a wilting flower. I'm no Katharina or Hera or Portia. I'm just me, and am somewhat comprable to Desdemona. Just fine, but not quite good enough to be taken seriously.
I'll be thinking about all these things, and trying to figure out what I'm doing and this cold panic will set in. My breathing gets ragged and forced, and it feels like my lungs are filling with ice water. My body shakes, and my mind runs amuck. It scares me, these panic attacks. They happen to frequently, and they're difficult for me to handle alone. But I have to. I don't really have anyone. I feel entirely alone most of the time, even when I'm surrounded by people who supposedly love me.
I'm tired, and sad, and I just want to sleep. I just want to escape for a while, and take a break from thinking. I want to lie down, and allow my mind to go entirely blank. I'm not quite sure how to do that. I used to meditate, and it kind of helped. But I had trouble taking myself seriously when I did it. It felt... fake, somehow. Maybe I'll pick it up again, I don't know.
I often think that falling into a coma wouldn't be so bad. No one depends on me or needs me or anything, so it's not like my mental absence would hurt anyone. I feel like it would give me an opportunity to stop. To figure it all out. Then I'd wake up, and I'd know what to do with my life. In my sleep I would find some sort of purpose to direct me, and I'd wake up and follow whatever divine path I'm inspired by.
Or I could just die, I think that could be ok, too. I'd want to go braindead, though. So they could donate my organs. It would be nice to be able to do something worthwhile in my pathetic little life, and how ironic would it be that the only worthwhile thing I did was while I was dead.
